This Thing

This thing, this thing is following me, it’s in my head. Head that’s where it is, in this messed up place that controls my thoughts and my most inner being. That screwed up faulty place. That’s where this badness is, and it’s not been caused by some awful childhood. No bullying at school, no messy parental split, no emotional or physical abuse, this never ending spiral is all of my doing. Its my head that is cause of the fault, and its my head that is the fault. The cause and effect in one place. This thing that makes me go up and down, in the same very way that the tide goes in and out. This thing, it has the ability to cause destruction, to cause the end of everything. This thing is everything and nothing. Nothing, nothing because you can’t see it there can be no tangible evidence of its existence and everything, everything because it’s the undoing of me. The end of me, that’s what this has the capability of doing.

This thing, it is so familiar, it’s the reminder of my childhood for all the wrong reasons. It’s the reminder of the cyclical pattern that my life seems to go. This relentless pattern that I know will never end, never ending imbalance. This thing brings fear and hopelessness; it brings joy and music to my head. This thing brings the worlds woes to my shoulders and every spy to my path, it brings bible like books and attempts to end the very thing that is me. This thing, this thing will never go away, will never leave me be. It has shaped my past and will my future. Its all happening again, again in this circle that has no end, this spiral down is starting for I can feel it at the very core of me. The cause of it is in my head. My head that’s what makes me, me.

Last Line…

I wish the postive posts would stay, stay as the main content of my blog forever. This thing, there is this thing inside me. Inherently unstable.

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18 Comments

Filed under Health

18 responses to “This Thing

  1. I can relate to the instability. It’s difficult to cope with and often defies reason.

  2. Hey Hannah, just stopping by to send you virtual hugs. I can relate to so much of that, and I’m sorry that you find it hard to cope with, keep writing whatever you feel you need to, your blog is yours and if things aren’t looking positive, why write a positive post? It probably wouldn’t be helpful and nobody would want you to write a blog full of positivity if it’s not reflective of how you feel.Take care of yourself, I’d like to have a chat and a catch up with you one day :).

    Frankie (mysophobia of the old days, if you remember!)
    xxx

  3. Another well written post Hannah. You put it so well. Thanks for writing the things that I can’t. Living with this awful instability and knowing it will never go away. It’s not easy at all. :( *hugs*

  4. Laura- Its the instability that is the main worry for me. The idea that this is for life, that I can never predict it. This inherintly unstable thing at the very core of me.

    Sunshine- Great to see you back blogging. Thanks for your comment I just hate it that this blog has turned into a navel gaseing place, I wish I could always fill it with positivity.

    ITS- Thanks for saying this is well written, I am really hoping that things improve for you soon.

  5. *hugs*
    You write really well, and it seems to epitomise it all so easy. Stay safe x

  6. I unstand the instability but you will find a mid ground somehow maybe through therapy maybe meds maybe on your own I’m not surel. took hospital for me but I’m not advocating that just saying I’ve been in complete destable mode and coem out the other end you can too

  7. Kate- Thank you, its great to have some positive comments. It stops my hand wondering to the delete button so often.

    Lareve- I am so glad that you feel that you have come out of the other end.

  8. Ellie

    Just found your blog and this is such a wonderflu post, my friend had manic depression and what you have descibed will help me understand her more. Thanks

  9. Never Red

    “Its all happening again, again in this circle that has no end, this spiral down is starting for I can feel it at the very core of me.”

    so soothing words. i know, they probably aren’t supposed or intended to be but yea… sorry.

  10. I too just found your blog and I like it. I’m sorry you are going through a difficult time, I too am struggling. I am adding you to my blogroll and will be visiting again. HUGS

  11. findingmecrazy

    Hey, it’s Hannah here. My blog has moved to wordpress and if you want to read it, just send me your username or leave it on my old blog and I’ll add you. I really hope you’re ok, you haven’t posted in a long time, take care ok? x

  12. I have just found you and you write beautifully! Even though it is a difficult subject when it is so personal and seems so negative, but you still have a grasp of language and so you haven’t completely lost it!
    I too understand what it is like to live an unstable life. It is hard to find the good in it. But I sure do cherish those good days. May you have some good days ahead.
    I will be back again….
    Don’t give up, I’m praying for you!
    Wendy Love

  13. findingmecrazy

    Hey I added you on my blog. You haven’t posted in a long time, hope you’re ok. You know where I am if you want to talk or anything x

  14. Hey, hope you’re okay and home is good. Missing your blogging! xx

  15. Chezzie

    Hi,

    I found your blog the other day and have spent these last few days reading it from begining to end. I just wanted to say how insightful and well written your posts were. I really got engaged in your journey and dealing with your mental illness. Are you not going to be doing any more blogging?
    How you are well.

    Chezzie :-)

  16. Kara

    I am sorry for what you are dealing with. I know so many people who struggle everyday from some type of a mental health problem. I’ve found Silver Hill Hospital’s adolescent psychiatric treatment program to be very informative. They have clinicians trained in evaluation, diagnosis and treatment. They provide hope for people who may be looking for the right care. I hope this is of help to you.

  17. Leslie K

    You may find some helpful information at this site that offers recent research about bi-polar disorder, depression, health issues and mental well being.
    http://www.dailyrx.com/

  18. Frances

    *hugs*
    I feel for you. Thank you for sharing this. I think talking to someone about this would be of great help. How about giving another try at counseling ? They provide various strategies that would address to our psychological needs. All the best for you, dear.

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