Repairing the Wreck

I feel like I am playing catch up, catch up to all the years I have lost to crippling depression. Catch up with my peers, catching up with the many milestones I have missed. That is what this mood disorder has done to me, or that is what it feels like it has done. Catching up with having interests, catching up with nights out, catching up academically.

 Now, now that I am able to think in this clear way in this way without depression around my shoulders I can see what I have missed. And now, now I am catching up. Last year at the leavers ball I was one of the select few who didn’t bring a date, didn’t because I had become so rapped up in myself I didn’t have anyone to take, and this year. This year I have. This year I hope is different, different enough for me to catch up with all I have missed. And you know I am trying because, because instead of bunching it all up inside I am trying to let it out. So when I feel bad I don’t need to put on a fake smile and retire early to bed. So that, so that these two Hannah’s that seem to have been created will become one Hannah. Not the Hannah that I allow everyone to see who pretends to cope and the Hannah that no one can meet who sits in bed and plans those unplanned thoughts. To create the one Hannah who has bad days, but can cope with those days and, and who doesn’t retreat into herself. That’s what I am trying to do, to recreate what I was before I turned into a wreck. Instigate these changes, changes that my dreams enter. But still I fear, fear because I know that this wont last, in some time in the future I will return to the wreck, return to those well trodden ways. Because that’s what bipolar is, it’s the cyclical moods, the up and down. 

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “Repairing the Wreck

  1. I hope it stays. You two look lovely together :)
    xx

  2. abysmalmusings

    Lovely post and lovely picture, Hannah. I know what you mean about recreating yourself. And the worry or doubt about the future. But let the future look to itself, now’s now, and that’s all that matters.

    Take care Dx

  3. That’s a really nice picture. Hope you get the two Hannahs merged into one, I get that problem. And its good that you feel you’re able to think clearly now, it sounds like you know what you want x

  4. It’s a lovely photo. And the idea of becoming one whole Hannah is a wise and powerful idea.

    Take care x

  5. Kate- thanks, I really hope that this stays because the options that are opening up to me are wonderful.

    Abysmalmusings- staying in the present, thats the challenge I think. The picking myself up has been difficult but. But the constant fear of the future thats the challenge.

    Hannah- I want the one Hannah, I think it sounds like an easier way to live. Not constantly hiding half of my life.

    Werehorse- Becoming the one Hannah is my key aim at the moment, that and enjoying myself while this lasts.

  6. I think this is such a positive and lovely post. It’s so good to see and I really hope it continues. You look lovely too. :) Take care of yourself and keep smiling.

  7. Great post Hannah – sounds like you’re in a positive place at the moment, which is great! I hope things continue well and that you enjoy being whole :D

  8. Alison

    I am kind of just checking into people’s blogs, I have been reading whilst I have been away but not had the chance to post.

    I hope things work out, lovely photo by the way keep smiling x

  9. That’s one of the more interesting parts of recovery… finding out we’ve been standing still while everyone else has been moving ahead with their lives. It can be a reason for depression on its own… but it’s important to understand we can catch up. Once we’ve got the clarity to see what the disease has done to us, we can use the same clarity to understand what we’re lacking. For me it’s a level of maturity that I just don’t have. It’s like I’m still who I was fifteen years ago.

    Once we’re into the “clarity” phase of our recovery we’re basically reassembling the pieces of who we remember we were before the disease, and combining them with the pieces of who we are now that we’re only just putting together.

    And the thing about manic depression being cyclical is absolutely true, but the longer you take your recovery seriously the further apart those cycles are, and the less intense they are.

    I think what I’m trying to say is, where you are now is a good place to be in… and I know how difficult it has been getting here.

  10. Nice to read your daily experiences through the blog. Hope you stay away from that heck disorder of depression throughout your life. You both together look great.

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