Wild Creature

The feelings they have abated and the plans been left unplanned. The dirty mist has lifted and I am turning away from it. Away because, because for now I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to talk about it. To pretend that it never existed. For today I am a wild creature and tomorrow I am lost again. And, and when that tomorrow comes and the dirty mist descends. Then I will see the mess, and think about the unsaid, and plan those unplanned thoughts, and attempt the attempted many times again. And then it will make people worry, and then I will be a shell of myself. But, but now. Now this mist has lifted and in this wonderful way I can walk to lectures, and go on romantic days out with my boyfriend. And today I shall indulge in my wild creature ways. And, and when I am lost again. Hopefully I will remember this, this clarity in the air, and this, this ability to see a path in front of me rather than stumble amid the cloud. This ascent, this ascent is not anything more than it is. It is me, embracing this gap that has opened above me. And when it closes, it closes. But until then I shall be a wild creature. 

Last Line…

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “Wild Creature

  1. I am so glad that the mist has lifted, even if it’s just for now and I hope that just maybe it won’t descend again tomorrow. It must be so horrible to feel like that, to feel lost. Hang in there ok x

  2. Glad that you’re having a good day. Focus on today and don’t worry what tomorrow will bring.

  3. I’m glad things are a bit better :) Looks like you had fun in the lakes (Wholly irrelevant to here, I know but I didn’t want to be a randomer scribbling on your facebook!)
    xx

  4. Hannah- Its such a relief that this has lifted. Theres good weather in Manchester and not too m any lectures so for once I can enjoy the city. I am going to make use of this while it lasts.

    Laura- I am trying to focus on today, but but having energy and time and not being in bed its making me see all the things I havnt done and all the work thats piling up. It makes me anxious for when this falls, then my eyes will be blinkered so all I can see is this mess I have created for myself.

    Kate- Windermere was great, wonderful to get out of the oxford road bubble and yeah. Eeeeeee.

  5. Lola Snow

    This is good news, very good news. Treasure these days, hoard them up and fill each one. That’s not pessimism, I think it’s realism. I hope this stretch lasts a long time, and thanks for unhibernating for me!

    Lola x

  6. Wild thing, you make my heart sing, etc.

    Windermere is lovely. My grandfather grew up round there circa 1899 – 1918. He used to strip and swim it at every opportunity.

    Glad you’re feeling in a good place.

    Take care, D x

  7. Like Lola said, treasure them. Glad you’re feeling better Han xx

  8. Lola- Thanks, I am glad you think it is realism, I dont want the days I have of reality to be pulled down by undue pessemism. I just want to enjoy them, enjoy them while they last because I know they wont stay. Too much has happened for it to stay.

    Abysmal musings- Windermere was beautiful, we walked around half of the lake and then up some foothills. It was such a wonderful break from Manchester life.

    Emma- I am trying o make the most of them. Most, so that when I am back down in that introverted space I might remember what I held out for, for it to be something to look for again and to get through those dark days.

  9. Hi Hannah, apologies for being AWOL for too long. Am being an insomniac and seizing the opportunity to catch up with your blog. My heart skipped when I read ‘the bid’ – were you taken to MRI?? I’m glad you had a better day, Wimdemere is beautiful. And you have a man??

    Much love
    xXx

  10. I was amused when looking through my Google Analytics account that someone got to my blog by searching for “hannah’s camhs blog” – I think they were looking for you!! xx

  11. I wish I would have had the internet and a blog in the late 1980s.

    In my teen years, being manic, or whichever label someone tried to pin on me, felt like I was the only one in the world who was like minded. Trying even to understand the feelings of self harm was brutal. Now it’s a social norm.

    Found your site on accident, glad I did! You seem well! Understanding patterns for myself was a decade(s) long process. Writing thoughts on paper, or E (paper) helps with growing!

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