I want to go to bed without my ritual argument in my head about how awful I am, I want to walk past a chemist without wanting to go in and look at the things I shouldn’t buy, I want to not know what an acute ward looks like, I want to have sat all my Alevels, I want to drink full fat coke without tasting suicide, I want to be ignorant about mental illness, I want to not know what CAMHS and CMHT stands for, I want to wear my hair parting on the otherside and not have scars to hide underneath my hair, I want to have the concentration to sit and read a chapter of a book, I want to find enjoyment in something I can commit to, I want to not have to worry about where my mood will take me next, I want to have the confidence to talk to a room of people, I want to sleep naturally, I want my family not to have to tiptoe around me, I want all of this to have never happened. I want my future back.
Last Line…
Does anyone know how to get rid of the bit in my blogs title that says “just another wordpress.com weblog”. This is not just another weblog, it is my blog and it really iritates me.
15 Comments
December 1, 2008 at 9:39 am
Hi Hannah
It too want not to know the things you mention but sadly they can;t be un-learned. We just have to do our best to move on. Can;t help with the title thing as on blogspot. But sure someone will know.
December 1, 2008 at 9:43 am
Go to http://colouredmind.wordpress.com/wp-admin/options-general.php and change the Tagline.
Some of the other things you wish for are also possible — you cannot undo the past, though it gradually fades, but you can do the future, and wishing is undoubtedly the first step.
December 1, 2008 at 9:52 am
Sure. Go to settings in your dashboard (top right)
Yuo should get taken to the General tab of settings. Its under Tagline.
December 1, 2008 at 10:34 am
Hi Hannah,
I think that although you’ll still know what all of those things are, what they are like etc, you can move on and in a way “change” away from those things. I guess in a way, it comes with time… perhaps now it’s difficult to walk past chemists without going in, but for me it’s just been time that has helped… I know that’s not much use if you want to change then and there, but I don’t know any other answers I’m afraid… I know you can have regrets, but again, I’m going to say time is a great healer no matter how clichéd that sounds…
I also wish I had the confidence to speak to a room full of people… yesterday I might have chatted for England, but put me in front of 50 people and I’ll be silent, blushing and trying to get away… You aren’t alone feeling like this is I guess what I want to get across!
In your last post, you were saying about learning to love again, well I think there’s more learning to come… learning to love activities, concentration and perhaps even sleep?!
I hope things stay okay and can get better
It was lovely to see you again yesterday.
xx
December 1, 2008 at 11:29 am
i know how you feel but i think we just have to live with all these experiences. We can’t undo any of it. It was nice to see you yesterday. Take care. L x
December 1, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Me too. There’s so much I wish to unsee.
December 1, 2008 at 10:13 pm
I think a lot of use know how you feel… take care Hannah. I see you got rid of the tagline…
December 1, 2008 at 11:18 pm
[...] that briefly came up was how much MI has taken away from us (we did talk about normal stuff too!). Hannah has posted on this recently too, and though my situation isn’t quite the same as hers (different preferences of suicide [...]
December 2, 2008 at 2:39 pm
[...] said, I also appreciated being with people that know how it feels. I agree with both Hannah and Chou that we have all lost much to this illness. I too, have a list of wishes and a collection [...]
December 2, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Sometimes we end up with experiences we really don’t want, and unfortunately there’s no way to change that after its happened, all we can do is wish that the past were different and try to change our future.
Hope you’re ok, look after yourself.
December 3, 2008 at 12:10 am
Me too. x
December 6, 2008 at 12:40 am
Hi, how are things… not heard from you in a while and just wanted to check things are okay ish xx
December 11, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Aw no, I assumed you’d always kept the tagline as a post-ironic and self-referential aside showing your keen perception of your place and your blog’s place in the wider scheme of post-modern technological communications.
I actually did.
(But in shorter and more sense-making words.)
Suzy x
December 11, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Lareve- It would be lovly to unlearn these things, one day. I just wish that I dont need to know the aycranims for too much longer.
Cbtish- Thanks for telling me how to remove the tagline, as you can probably now see it has gone. Ive just got to think of something to replace it with.
Darkentries- Thank you very much for the details to get rid of the tagline.
Intothesystem- It was lovely to see you too, I would just like a day when I could realise that I had forgotten the finer details because it had been so long since i felt that way, in the same way that I cannot remember the old telephone number for my house, because i havnt needed it.
S- I wish there was a rubber I could use to just erase memories, or bits of knowledge, or things that people have said. Anything and everything.
Alison- Yeah, six months after starting this blog I managed to get rid of the tag line, you have no idea how much it used to fustrate me.
Hannah- I hope my future is different, so different that I forget about all of this, thats its erased from my memory and, and yeah.
Seaneen- I think everyone would like to experience some normalness for a while. Just to escape from the insanity for a while, just for a bit. For good if I could, bu just to experience it again.
Kate- Yeah i am fine, sorry its taken me so long to reply to your comment but yeah. The same old, same old.
Suzy- You never fail to amuse me, however your reasoning is so good that I may just have to put the tag line back.
January 2, 2009 at 7:14 pm
[...] of Christmas, what do you lot want as presents? Coloured Mind and Scattered Thoughts has a wishlist. I want to go to bed without my ritual argument in my head about how awful I am, I want to walk [...]