Data, Statistics and Mathematical Error

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On the 8^th of June I started this blog. In nine days time I will have written for six months. On the 8^th of June I didn’t think I would see my eighteenth birthday, forty days later it had passed. On the 8^th of June I had been told to drop out of sixth form and give up my ambition of going to university, yesterday I received a 2:1 for my first essay. On the 8^th of June I was writing to myself now, almost six months later I have had over 20,000 page reads. Its surprising how much can change in six months, its surprising how much I can change, and what I think about can change, and the way I live can change. Six months ago I was a shell of a person, now I am living independently in a new place, with new people and doing new things.

The change has not been smooth and if you read my most recent posts you will see that I am still struggling, but the change from February of last year to now is massive. From the pill guzzling, absent girl to me. I knew when I moved all that would happen is that the same issues would be driven four hours up north with me but what I didn’t know was that ten weeks of no support would not destroy me, that competing with straight A students for top grades wouldn’t send me back down the perfectionist path of my past, and that moving to a place where I knew no one wouldn’t push me back to my lonely hermit ways. Yes I am on more pills than ever before; yes the road is rocky but MCR I LOVE YOU. I love that the city is always busy, I love that it is quite normal to do a supermarket shop in your pjs,  I love that its acceptable not to get dressed at the weekends, I love that there are four vintage shops on the very road I live on, I love that the fire alarm never stops going off, I love that the only acceptable bed time in three in the morning, I love that however messy my room is my neighbour’s is always worse, I love that its ok to write your essays still drunk and shaking from pro plus, I love that I love my course, I love that I love my halls, I love that I love the city, I love that I am able to love again.

One hundred and seventy four days ago I decided to take the advice of my then CPN. I don’t know why, at that point I didn’t really listen to anyone, I wasn’t engaging with services and I wasn’t engaging with life. From time to time I would be dragged from my own world for a blood test to check I was still taking the pills, and a lecture as to why I hadn’t been to any of my appointments, the CPN would drive over and drag me out, the social worker would phone my parents anything to make me do something. I don’t know why on that day I took the advice and I followed through, I am still not quite sure why I continue to follow through. I don’t know why on the 8^th of June I decided to write to everyone and no one. Its in this semi anonymous manner that I have continued, 20000 have read my head but none my brain. In this manner of celebration I am doing the almost compulsory stats introspection, shamelessly copying the now legendary blog stat post by Athelreadtheunread. At some point on the 27^th of November the stat counter hit 20,000. I don’t know when because as well as being hopelessly drunk that night I also spent a lot of time sleeping during the day. I am sure it was an insignificant time, we will call it 22:34. All other numbers I’ve slept through and sometime the stat counter has ticked on past the thousand but hey, I much prefer my duvet to stat counter.

Many lovely bloggers have linked me in their blog rolls but being featured five times by wordpress on their homepage has given me the most hits.  For some reason my most read post is my about which is probably the worst piece of writing up here. I suppose I just don’t have the patience to edit and re edit it, and no piece of writing is ever going to explain what makes me, me and you, you. In the same way that however many times I write about what better is for me, my better isn’t actually my better, and better isn’t actually better and the CMHT’s better is different to that better and CAMHS better. “Blame it on the Emo-Goth” had many reads but that was probably because it sparked quite a debate, as did “Apple or Pear Shaped” but that’s due to google searches. Least popular I cant actually tell you because wordpress wont inform me. This is probably due to my inability to use the site rather than their lack of resources. I like searching for coloured mind on google, it fills me with joy that these two words link directly to me, even if yu hit “I’m feeling Lucky”, searching colouredmind drains the joy out of me, I am not sure why. That’s a lie actually, it is because it tells me there is a spelling error. Search results are mainly in the colouredmind, coloured mind and scattered thoughts, coloured mind, scattered thoughts form. However highlights have been sleep hygiene as it makes me feel like I am preaching from the CAMHS gospel, I don’t enjoy getting searches for ugly girl because well its not very nice but Suzy’s “beautiful blogger award” cheered me up, I get quite a few for “really hate egg” which I really do. But yeah quiche anyone?

Last Line…

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Tags: bipolar, blogging, depression, Health, manchester, mental health, past, stats, university