I received a letter from UCAS yesterday about results day, clearing and help lines. Something I really didn’t want to think about, that I had been pushing to the back of my head. This year I have not worked hard enough to get into university but I haven’t not tried enough to say that I don’t care and that it doesn’t matter. If I was really focused on university then I would have made sure that I did not end up in hospital, I would have done my upmost to do all coursework, gone to most of my lessons and sat all my exams. I did care though, I didn’t go out drinking on school nights, I did try to do my most. I am in the position where if I don’t get into university I will blame myself for not trying hard enough and putting my head down and doing some proper work. If I do get into university I will blame myself for not allowing myself to go out, socialise and attempt to have some fun.
At some points during this year it was impossible for me to go to school because of extended time in hospital, but nothing stopped me from doing coursework and I did do some on the ward. It was just so bad that I didn’t enter any. When I was on leave from the ward I could have gone to school but instead I chose to lie in bed. I could have sat all my exams, there was nothing to stop me, just my inability to stop crying, pull myself together and get out of bed. I cant blame poor results on a bad school and crap teaching, I cant blame it on a lack of intelligence, I cant really even blame it on mood because there are other people who have been through similar things and sat exams and done coursework. It is my fault that while manic I applied to stupid universities that I really didn’t want to go to. It is my fault I didn’t think through my ucas form well so now my insurance and firm offers have offered me the same grades.
According to my CPN I did well because the two other people like me who were in hospital for the same amount of time at a similar time of the year have not sat any exams, I almost wish I had done this so then I wouldn’t have been in this limbo of desperately wanting to get into university but knowing I don’t deserve to because I put in such little work. At the moment there are four options for next year; get the grades and go to Manchester, go to Leicester or through clearing, social work apprenticeship, death. Compared to a few months ago this is a massive change because it used to be Manchester or death. Now I feel torn, different routes going in such different directions. I cant make any plans because I am just in this limbo.
Last line…
Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday yesterday (and the facebook cake, Alison) it was a really great day. However I swear I am not going to drink that much again (well not until Thursday) I am rubbish with a hangover and it really does nothing for the medication regime.
10 Comments
July 20, 2008 at 9:59 am
You’re right, it is better now that you have more options that just Manchester or death. Especially because if you get into Manchester you can come visit me in my Oxfam Originals shop and I can get you a handbag for your birthday.
I guess, sorry for being cliche, that you have to let nature take its course. try busy yourself with something. I know its not as easy as it sounds. I’m not even getting out of bed today. Maybe this is the time you can go out, drink and have fun?
Please take care xx
July 20, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Ah, UCAS. I’m just finishing year 12, and we had a day of UCAS fun last week. What would you be doing at Manchester/Leicester? Social work?
(It has just occured to me that I commented last week but I haven’t actually introduced myself which might be a bit odd! I’m Megan, I’m 17, and I found you through mental nurse… so hi!)
July 20, 2008 at 3:41 pm
What a jackass I am – I can’t believe I forgot your birthday! HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY!!!
It’s good to know you’ve got some options now, though I hardly think the last one is a very good one.
And you’re doing a pretty good job given the battle you’re fighting. Think of how much worse things could be – you could have done absolutely nothing and not applied to any universities and not have any options at this point, right?
July 20, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Emma- I have definatly made great progress regarding my mindset and results day compared to a few months ago. I am trying to keep buisy and have just put all my cds in alphabetical order which took quite a long time and needed that alphabet to be sung aloud a few too many times. I really do hope to go to manchester what I have seen of it is really nice and its a good distaance from home (about four hours by train).
Megan- Hi. I have applied to do modern history with economics at manchester which is my firm choice and my insurance is contempory history at leicester, I dont really have a clue what I want to do after but if I could do anything it would probably be a social work masters after.
Erin- thank you its always nice to be told that I am making good progress. The last option will always be on the list but the chances of me choosing that one are generally going down.
July 20, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Hannah, glad the birthday went well! As for UCAS, brings back so many memories, all so much in my distant past now! I keep everything crossed for you for the results you need for Manchester!
July 20, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Good luck – you have more plans than I did when I left school. I just waited for things to happen to me and never really thought too much about the future… and as for being deserving, well, I think you can’t compare yourself with people who had different study environments – most people probably think they could have done more.. it’s not about how you get there, it’s about being there.. if that makes sense!
July 20, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Manchester thats a really nice place. If you go on the bbc website and search clearing i believe they have loads of infomation. Good luck with results day. What grades do yu need?
July 20, 2008 at 11:52 pm
Alison- yeah. Filling out the ucas form itself seems so long ago. It was just over a year ago that I wrote my personal statement and christmas when I stupidly put UWIC as a choice even though I hadnt even looked at the prospectus.
Cb- its difficult not to compare yourself with other people. I can only get an A or a B if I am in a percentage so I must compare myself to try and guess at grades. I am trying to push all the ideas for next year out of my head at the moment because it is just soo stressful.
Emily- I need BBB whcih is not too bad. Well when I entered sixth form I was predicted AAB but well thinking about how last year went at school I will be lucky if I do get the grades.Thanks for the BBC link.
July 29, 2008 at 11:57 am
I’m glad you have options. I hope you do get into manchester – then both me and you can go see em in her oxfam shop.
and we need to drag chouette along too!
August 20, 2008 at 11:16 pm
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