On Friday I realised that I might have had my last session with my social worker. I should have stuck two fingers up at her, yelled a few expletives, smashed up the dollhouse and made a proper rock exit. Then I should have laughed an evils laugh and skipped out of the health centre as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It all came as a surprise, I couldn’t prepare my celebration but instead felt rather lost and confused. We got to the end of a rubbish session where I hadn’t been able to think of anything to talk about so we ended early and went to sort out another session. She is at university this week so I was going to see her next week; but she was full. Then I go on holiday, then she goes on holiday, then I get referred. She has promised to reshuffle her diary but she has made many promises and few have come true.
Suddenly after a year of hating her guts I realised that I rather like her. So she dresses odd and listens to crap music, but her sessions were useful. I can remember describing her as a chav gone wrong, as an oversized child, and a gossip queen but I have sort of grown to like it.
I wish we were ending session because I was better, because I was going to skip off into the future, arrive at Manchester university and be the happiest girl in the world. Except I am not better, I have not asked to end sessions, she has not asked to end sessions, its just that I will not meet criteria to see her when she gets back from her holiday. The person who I have talked to for two years, who has seen me psychotic and depressed, can no longer see me. The person who has pushed for better care for me, who has tried to help me get my life back can no longer see me because of service rules and holiday dates. I am cross with myself for going on holiday, I am cross with my parents for having a summer baby, I am cross with her for booking up her sessions so she cannot fit me in, because our sessions are over. I said “bye” not even goodbye. Well I say they are over, but who knows. The thing that annoys me the most is that I wasted that session, I was so busy hating her for being a chav, for taking her shoes off, for booking a morning session that she cut the session short because there was nothing I could think of talking about. I thought I was talked out, and then the second we realised that we had probably had our last session I thought of something I wanted to work on- but it was too late.
Last Line…
Eaugh I am stuck for things to read. Well no I am not, I have a shelf full of unread books but the last two I tried I put down pretty quickly, the first was Nick Hornby “A Long Way Down” which I wrote about eariler and another was “The Virgin Suicides” who I have forgotten who it is by, anyway they were both too linked with death to work as a good distraction. Bearing in mind that the last book I properly read was in my english lit class Ii want something pretty easy to read, maybe a page turner. Something I can get lost in as a distraction technique and that does not demand too much of me. Thats not asking to much of a book, right? Anyway, any suggestions welcomed.
11 Comments
July 16, 2008 at 6:06 am
Ugh, sounds crap and very much like O’Toole’s Corollary of Finagle’s Law, it’s always the way. Things I read as an escape – Pratchett, Tolkien, McCall-Smith – and anything else not remotely connected to real life. I hope you get another go at the RnR exit.
July 16, 2008 at 6:50 am
The exit would have been funny, shame it couldn’t happen… I have an appointment with my CPN this morning compared to how I have felt I feel great today and am asking myself why do I need to waste an entire hour talking when I’ve never felt better… the sooner this mornings appointment is over the better!
So Manchester University is your desired choice!
cool!
July 16, 2008 at 8:53 am
I know how you feel. I’d had just 8 sessions with my counsellor through work and I couldn’t wait for them to end. I hated them. The second they’d finished I found myself crying and wishing I had hours more. I can’t imagine what that would be like after two years.
As for books – I’ve been reading a complete mixture lately.. Not sure which one to start next actually!
July 16, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Manchester CMHT services aren’t that bad, don’t worry
)
It’s happened to me (acutally by Manchester, but I’m awaiting some thing from another trust and then it gets all complicated because I’ve been rereferred back to them because I’m broke again!)
The waiting lists don’t seem to be so bad, compared to others I’ve heard about (about 2 months
Being left in stitch however, isn’t so fun
I should introduce myself at this point, I’m a lurker, I can’t actually remember how I found you, maybe through Suzy’s blog? I’m Kate, anyway! Hi! xx
July 16, 2008 at 4:47 pm
I also forgot to say: I remember finishing my CBT. I was so sad, I cried for ages. I still miss the therapist. I didn’t know at the time it was my last session either, she just said at the end and I was so upset. 2 months on, I’m still like ooh when’s my next CBT? I’m pretty fixed for what I went for, but having the supportwas nice, unlike now (not that I’m bitter!)
July 16, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Chuckle-I too hope that I get a try at the RnR exit. If not with my social worker I shall have to do it with my psychiatrist when I get referred to adults, the only thing is I quite like him so I think I will have to calm it down. Ahh Pratchett, I saw him speak at the Hay Bokk Festival a few years ago, he read an extract that was great. I think I may have to go and get a copie of one of his books.
Alison- I always feel so guilty when my CPN comes and I feel fine and dont want to talk to her. Because she is part of a small outreach team for the whole of the county it takes her an hour each way to get to my house and then I have nothing to talk about. Yep manchester is my firm choice to read modern history with economics and leicester is my insurance choice to read contempory history.
Intothesystem- I know what you mean about choosing books, I have about thirty on my bookshelf to read that my sister has lent to me and there is not one that I want desperatly to read so they are just waiting and gathering dust. It will be quite odd on fridays at 4:00 not going to see her. I had been looking forwards to ending sessions because it would mean that I was “better”. I never thought I would be referred up to adults, I never thought I was severe and enduring. But hopefully whoever I get at adults will be just as odd because I enjoy her crap dress sence and funny sayings.
Kate- Hey, nice to see a new face around hear. Its odd to think that there are lurkers who read all of this, i thought I just had about ten regular readers who all comment and hit refresh alot to explain why my stats are a fair bit higher than ten. I am really pleased to hear that the manch services are good, I am really nervous about moving up into the world of adults services as I have been told that it is pretty different to CAMHS.
July 16, 2008 at 6:14 pm
This is something I will be confronting soon as my sessions with my psychologist will be ending towards the end of the year. We’re already talking about it and planning for it so it can happen as smoothly as possible. I feel much the same that it’s not ending as a result of me being ‘well’ and heading off into the sunset but as a result of going as far as we can and I should imagine some NHS burearcracy (sp?) that says two years with a psychologist is probably my lot. I’m trying to hold on to the fact though that there have been significant improvements as a result of my seeing her and it has been a very positive relationship and that realistically everything’s not going to be perfect and the nature of my difficulties means stuff will resurface. It’s hard though. I can relate.
As for reading – Danny Wallace. His new book – can’t even remember what it’s called now! – is very good.
July 16, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Going totally off subject here, Hannah, but my Suppor Worker says that all the MH service names are changimg. CAMS are soon going to be called something like the Child, Young Person and Adolescent Directorate (CYPD). Sounds like an American cop series. And what is Directorate all about? Sounds like a poncey word aimed at confusing everyone.
Hope your today is better :>)
July 17, 2008 at 12:19 am
Thereandback- I am sorry that your sessions are going to have to end soon. It seems silly sometimes that people know what is helping but remove sessions due to rules but I suppose at the end of the day it all comes down to money. Right I am off to google to find out what the tite of the book is.
Mandy- CYPD now how do you say that acroynim. At least CAMHS sort of rolls off the toungue. They still have some signs saying child guidence in the local CAMHS place and I thought that was a crap name. While I hate that camhs has mental health in the title at least it doesnt skirt around the issue. It makes you feel at the right place to be fixed, I suppose most of the people thay actually see at camhs dont have a diagnosable mental illness but other problems. Hmmm I think I may have read something about this over at http://www.mentalnurse.org.uk I think
July 17, 2008 at 1:36 am
I remember my last session with my, to this day, favourite worker. I just felt numb for days after and when we drive past I still try to get my mum to drop me off lol!
I live near Manchester but am in Pennine Care so my CMHT is different I think. Pretty sure anyway. SO hopefully Manc is better than Pennine.
Take care lovely x
July 17, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Hi Hannah. Good to find you! Any ending with a therapist is tricky because it is difficult for us to accept that it is their job to talk to us. Something I have always found a bit unacceptable about the process! Anyway, on a more helpful note, I find any Ann Tyler very relaxing. Not just chick lit, as many think, in fact the writer more other writers think is the best! (Nick Hornby’s fav writer…) And one other thing, I was a 6ft teenager and felt I stuck out like a sore thumb (and back in the 70’s/80’s that was really tall) but now in my 40’s I’m pleased to be this height – much easier to stay slim! Keep happy.