Being Hannah (colouredmind)’s sister is a privilege itself, but being invited to write something for her blog is a much larger honour. Often it seems as if there’s a big divide between her mental illness and our life at home, and part of this is how Hannah keeps her blog secret from the rest of the family. That’s a bit like how things are in our house. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that Hannah suffers from a mental illness as she keeps it so well hidden, but I blame years of drama classes. But also, the general taboo around mental illness meant that for a long time we never spoke about Hannah’s illness. I guess that’s one of the main differences between living with someone with a mental illness and living with someone with a physical illness. My friends don’t know about Hannah’s illness, which does make things difficult when I’m upset about things. When Han (she hates this nickname, she’ll be very angry with me for using it….but isn’t it cute?) spent time on a psychiatric ward it was particularly difficult for the family, but it did bring us together a lot more. Since then things have improved; we even chat about Hannah’s CAMHS visits around the meal table.
Living with someone with a mental illness isn’t easy. I’ll spend days worrying about things I’ve said that might have upset Hannah, or how to appear like I have a perfect life when I’m at school. It’s hard to get coursework done when you’re worrying about your sister who’s on a psychiatric ward. It’s even more difficult to do your homework when your sisters on leave from the ward and things are a bit problematic (that would be the time that I wouldn’t stop wailing then). I’m a very paranoid person, with my biggest fear being burglary and my second being finding Hannah having committed suicide. The first fear is entirely rational; I came home to a trashed house following a break-in just over a year ago. The second isn’t rational really, as it’s never happened (duhhh I am still here) and hopefully won’t ever happen. But it’s probably the scariest part of Hannah’s illness for me – the unknown. Coming home from a party to be told my dad that Hannah was in hospital was a big shock. Hannah’s very good at hiding things, as I said before, so finding out that she’d taken an OD (look, I have all the lingo now!) when I thought she was recovering was very scary. I like to think that I know Hannah so well but her illness has really made me question that. Despite going for brunch every Saturday, shopping at least once a month and sitting around being silly every night, Hannah manages to hide things from me. Often I feel like a terrible sister, not being able to notice when she’s feeling really low, but I then remember that part of her illness means that she tries to hide things from the people she cares about.
Being Hannah’s sister is, at face value, like being anybody else’s sister. We borrow each other’s clothes, argue from time to time and make up our own little languages. We know how to annoy each other, we have amazing girls’ days in and text when we’re too lazy to walk to each other’s bedroom. But deeper down, living with Hannah can be difficult. When she’s drunk she can’t open her medication box properly… I have to watch what I say to make sure I don’t trigger her to feel low. I feel guilty when she is low. I have to keep my home life and my not-at-home life very separate. Trying to enjoy a party while texting your sister in hospital is very strange. I’ve had to stop myself from reading her blog to give Han privacy. I’ve confronted her about self-harm marks. But the thing that made the biggest impact on me was when Hannah was worried that I was depressed. We both ended up crying our eyes out, and I’ve never forgotten the way Han looked at me when she told me that she’d never ever want me to suffer how she has.
I don’t really think this tells you exactly what it’s like to live with someone with a mental illness, but I don’t think someone living with someone suffering with cancer could tell you exactly what it’s like. Things change all the time; you might have a fantastic day one day and then a terrible one the next. But I guess this gives a bit of an insight into the other side of mental illness and how it affects me.
Last line…
On another note, maybe you know Han better than me. Any ideas of what I should get her for her 18th? I’ve got a week… (Um Ursula Ruth, wait you didn’t publish you name I shall change that to your pre-birth name, done. I get to read all the comments you crazy little thing it’s meant to be a surprise. But hey I want to know what I will get.)
13 Comments
July 11, 2008 at 12:50 am
How lovely of you to let your sister write a post like that – and what interesting insights she provided. Maybe I should try to get Rob to do a guest spot on my blog…
July 11, 2008 at 1:57 am
Ditto TR above. And I’ll rope my missus in. Keep safe all of you. D
July 11, 2008 at 3:41 am
that’s a really cool post, especially as it’s so totally different to any other I’ve read anywhere else – great to read a different perspective!
July 11, 2008 at 9:41 am
Oh I think that was a truelly insightful post.Is clear that you get on well in pretty rough circumstances.Not sure what to suggest regarding the birthday prezzie though.
Take care both of you sweeties.
Love
Sis xxxx
July 11, 2008 at 9:58 am
Aww! Hannah – it’s really great that you have a sister you are comfortable with to do that and comfortable enough to share your blog with, even if she does try not to read to give you privacy.
It’s good to read from the other side. My family don’t know, but living independently makes things easier.
Look after each other you two!
July 11, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Erin- well I didnt really let her, more bribed her. I couldnt think of anything to write so offered her the use of my old trainers as shes lost hers in return for a piece of writing and I made her call me boss while she was doing it.
David-Definatly get your other half to write something, its great fun and a really interesting thing to do.
Chuckle- I found it really interesting what she wrote and the things she chose to put in it. The things I was expecting to be in were not and she had mentioned things I had forgotten, like when I thought she was pretty flat and slow and thought that she might be depressed.
Seratonin- we do get on pretty well. She buys me food and I take her clothes. I lend her CDs and she takes the credit for my ideas
Intothesystem- well she foundthis blog right at the begining because i stupidly used her laptop and I am starting to believe that she doesnt read it. Hmmm but the day I wrote about jelly she spent ages talking to me about jelly. Is it a coincidence or has she been lieing.
Ohh and Ursula Ruth (she hates that name- but isnt it cute) think of that as payback for calling me Han I can see the warmth in you eyes J/k
July 11, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Wow. What a fab post. Really thought provoking.
Funnily enough I was thinking earlier in the week about getting Mum to do a post for my blog but then she’d find out about it and I’m not sure I’m quite ready for that yet…!
July 11, 2008 at 7:40 pm
It’s nice to read a point a view from someone else (you have given me an idea now…) so hello first off to Han’s little sister!
Hiding how I am has been the biggest thing for me, there is still so much I hide from my loved ones and even now when I want to tell them I can’t…
I think it’s nice that Hannah has a sister who understands her and is exercising caution around her but is still also able to be a little sister and do the sisterly things together!
Great post, as for what to buy her for her 18th I have no idea! It’s a lifetime ago since I was 18 – well it feels like that!
July 12, 2008 at 7:34 am
Great post!
July 12, 2008 at 8:37 am
That was a beautiful, honest post. Having only brothers, who all think Im a bit of an oddity, made me wish in a small way I had a sister… its strange, we hide parts of ourselves from our families, they hide parts of theirs, its brilliant this was so open, thanks for sharing
July 12, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Fab post, has really made me wonder what my little brothers make of all this. Well done Hannahs sister (y)
And as far as presents, I think a personalized jelly mould is the way to go, I mean imagine having Hannah Jelly! Fantastic!
July 12, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Thereandback- it would be rrally interesting to read something from your mum. If i had the choice I wouldnt have let anyone in my family know about my blog but my sister found it by checking internet history
Alison-hiding stuff just makes life that bit easier, I would hate to think that people were making allowences for me. At school sometimes I did need to ask for a longer essay deadline of something but if people knew how I was and just offered me one without me asking for it I used to get so annoyed. Sometimes its nice when people ask how you are but I hate concern and worry.
Cb- thanks
Abz- I was really surpried with the things that she came up with and that she was so open. i had to be really firm with myself not to delete the bit about drinking and meds boxes
Heavyliesthecrown- wow a personalised jelly mould, now that would be great, take note little sis this is a good idea
September 3, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Omigosh, I missed this post because of holiday, but it’s so wonderful! Thank you for linking it back or I’d never have found it.
I don’t know if you want to hear this but it almost made me cry. Do you want me crying? Let’s pretend it didn’t happen… Tell your sister she’s an excellent writer for me!
Suzy x