Last week I phoned my CPN, she wasn’t in I spoke to another member of the team I was feeling low I wanted an extra visit or a medication review. When I checked my phone yesterday there was a garbled message with no name to it, later I realised it was my CPN saying something about fighting and that she was out of the office until today and that she would come and visit me, I listened again, oh, she was telling me to continue fighting. Everyone always talks about fighting; to get what you want, against the destructive thoughts, for life, for a future, to reach “recovery”. I was thinking about fighting; you know how long should you fight for, when do you concede, how much effort do you put in. If I asked my parents or sister they would say you fight for ever; life is worth it. If you asked me I would say, “what if this is the best you can ever get”.
I suppose I have this view about life because I have decided all kinds of things to make suicide an allowed thing. A thing that’s not a sin, that’s not a waste of life, that’s seen as the best of a bad situation. If a friend said they were suicidal I would tell them to fight but there is one rule for me and another for everyone else. The question you have to ask yourself when you feel your mood cannot drop any lower is “Do I get up?” Do you reach out for help, clasp at any straw you can and continue the battle. Or do you give up, stay silent and give up on hope and medication. It’s the question I ask myself every time I end up with that crushingly low feeling. The times I have decided to give up have all ended with a failed overdose, a trip to hospital and feeling very guilty. Once you have tried and failed you are expected to fight, you have spoken about it without words and are subjected to “help”.
Really the thing I am trying to get to is how do you stand up, recover from the crisis, rebuild your life after an attempt, or fight the thoughts. To this I don’t know. I remember waking up in hospital and the first thing that crossed my mind was “shite everyone hates me I was horrible to my friends and I have done no coursework.” Really if you are shoved in hospital you are forced to fight, to at least appear better so you can be discharged and try the whole thing again, or to actually feel better so you can be discharged and start the real fight; to stay out of hospital. I know that some things can be fixed, the pressures of school can be limited with a phased return to education, the coursework can be left if you qualify for special consideration. The friendships, the thoughts, the feelings, the day to day existence however cannot. I remember a consultant just telling me to wait; wait and wait and wait, to take medication every day. That if you wanted to stop or change medication talk to someone first but that your best chance of standing up again was to keep taking the pills. This is not something I am very good at doing, but I am getting there.
But, how do you make that decision to stand up, I do not know. I wish I did because it would make the fight a hell of a lot easier, when things start to slip you know how to prevent it getting worse, when things have got pretty awful you know how to fix it. I suppose knowing how to stand up is recovery. Well that’s what I am starting to understand of recovery. Really I would like to think that recovery would be more but this got me thinking. If anyone has the answers about how to stand up please let me know, I am starting to get fed up of this trial and error method
Last line…
I have read alot of posts about people talking about ECT and seen a fair few asking about ECT and what its like, in Saturdays weekend section of the guardian there is a really well written account of it. And I have now located it online here.
13 Comments
July 8, 2008 at 6:33 am
I hate it when people say keep fighing it when I get low, I often what to scream back you really don’t have a clue!
July 8, 2008 at 6:35 am
I’m not sure how you make the decision to fight. I do know some things that have helped me – routines, things to look forward to (hard as that is when depressed), self-nurturing, encouragement of others, reading the stories of others who have been there and come out the other side. It is a long, hard slog, and immensely difficult to keep on at times – but keeping on IS worth it – even though it may not seem that way at the moment.
July 8, 2008 at 7:57 am
I saw that article in The Guardian at the weekend – it was really good wasn’t it?
July 8, 2008 at 8:01 am
Well the last thing you want to do is pay any attention to anything I say…
As a prime example of recovery…yesterday I was low, battered and bruised, and hence was not far removed from the state I was in when in total depression. Everything is negative when you’re depressed.
Today I feel a little better, and can say quite happily that recovery is a process, and I am seeing definite and steady improvements in my ability to react to situations in a more rational way, and perceive life with a better outlook.
I have often thought things were never going to get better, and then, they did. A depressed person is not the right person to decide that their life is never going to get better. Logic would dictate that it is, as being depressed sucks so badly that the chances are, it can’t help but get better.
You do need to take the right meds though. And take them. All the time. Without fail.
I have been on prozac for two years now. Its kept me stable, but it takes so much longer for your brain to catch up and think in a new way. I think maybe depression is like smoking. The longer you’ve done it for, the longer it takes to recover.
July 8, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Alison- I cannot believe that you dont like jelly, whats wrong with the way it wobbled. There is somethiing about the keep fighting that helps me because it means that they maybe kindof believe you and that the can see you are alreay fighting. There is something that is also intensly annoying about it.
Disillusioned- I do want to continue “fighting” what ever that is. Sometimes fighting for me is just taking medication and allowing myself not to do anything else. I shall start some routines then, thanks for the suggestion. Oh, you have written loads of posts that I have wanted to comment on but I dont hjave a blogger or google account, is there any way I can get around this?
Thereandback- I really enjoyed the article, its probably my favourite part of the weekend apart from the going up/down fashion bit. I used to like the living with teenagers bit in family section but they stopped doing it.
Darkentries- yeah, getting the right medication seems to be the key. I am glad that you have found the right one, I am on my eighth in two years but hopefully we will find the right one soon. While your post didnt make recovery sound freat it was very helpful and really made me think about what recovery is and if it is the rosy picture painted in books or have I been listening to my CPN too much.
July 8, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Me too! It was a shame she stopped writing that column, gave me a giggle. I really like – can’t remember his name – the guy who does the page at the beginning of the mag. It’s funny and honest and just makes a nice read.
July 8, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Oh the maybe Mark Ronson or something guy, who has a wife who runs a bookshop. That makes me giggle. I usually save it for last as I generally start from the back of the weekend and work forwards. X
July 8, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Putting my CAMHS pretend hat on, its flashy you know. They would say “life is important, what would it be like for your family if you were not here, how would your mother feel sad, would they cry, would people miss you, would people go to your funeral” If you answered yes to any of the above you have been thinking about life once you had gone and you wouldnt be there to experience it so you have FLAWED thinking. If you said no to any of there questions you are suffering from FLAWED thinking. Why not read this helpful handout
July 9, 2008 at 12:51 am
Well m’dear, I would tell you “keep on fighting” because I know from my own experiences that things can get better and they can get worse. How do you keep fighting? You see your doctor/therapist/CPN/witch doctor/whoever for your regularly scheduled visits, you take your medication – all the time like a good girl, you talk to people and tell them when you need extra support (like when you get to feeling really low), you try and remember that recovery is a PROCESS and sometimes we are all going to fuck it up. And that’s when you pick yourself up off the ground, dust yourself off, and start up again where you left off.
Thinking about recovery, have you ever taken the time to read the Recovery page on my blog? I’ve got 12 steps for recovery that I think are rather useful. See if maybe that’s helpful to you as well.
Regardless, remember that you’ve got some friends here who would be very upsest should something bad happen to you. (((HUGS)))
July 9, 2008 at 2:18 am
CAMHShate- they have said the same type of thing to me before, I remeber having a really detailed conversation about funerals and my funeral with a CAMHS lady who came to asess me and then get me locked up in the ward. You sound just like her, are you sure you are not a bitter CAMHS worker in disguise, Are you my CPN spying on me. Oh god is my name googleable.
Erin- I have just read your recovery post and left a stupidly long comment on it. I know what you mean about dusting yourself down and getting along with it, if I looked down there is probably enough dust from my body to fill a bath. I dont want to be doing anymore of that soon. Sending you hugs back. (()). Hannah X
July 9, 2008 at 11:20 pm
At the moment I feel punch drunk. I keep trying to stand up and the ref is counting me down… but every time I try to rise I slip. I don’t know, to be honest, in answer to your question. The thing is to keep trying? Hmmmmmmmmm.
Sometimes I think it’s like learning to walk again – you never have the same agility, but you learn to compensate. I wish I knew the answer too.
July 10, 2008 at 12:48 am
[...] meeting with T has given me new HOPE for recovery. There’s been some talk of recovery over at Hannah’s place here recently and that has kind of gotten me thinking as well. When [...]
July 10, 2008 at 11:20 am
Well I can only echo what Disillusoned has said to be honest.Especially routine & trying to find things to look forward to – goodness know I struggle too with these.My thoughts have gone wandering off on to suicide recently, I know a lot of the time I just cannot do it, but just worry one day it’ll creep up on me.
I’ll try & check out the Guardian article.
Love & hugs
Sis x