Suicide and Such

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I just wrote a whole post, a long post, a detailed post and then I read it back and it was crap so I deleted it. Four hours of working on it (a piece of creative writing about suicide) and its gone. A click of a button and its gone, like it never even existed and along with it went those hours of my life. If there was a delete button for my life I wonder if I would hit it.

I wrote about death, suicidal thoughts, bleak life, destruction and then read it back and it was all a squealing bunch of para-suicide, no real depth to a subject that is so serious. And then I read the first few pages of Nick Hornby’s “A long way down”, my sister said it was a good read but I was disappointed. The similarities between my deleted post and the book were unbearable; the slapstick nature suicide was referred to with filled with one-liners and barely a glimmer of the mental pain required to underpin the decision to top yourself. Like the bit in the novel when Martin marks himself smugly against Aaron T Beck’s Suicide Intent Scale (‘I got something like 21 out of 30 points’), it seems more like the fruits of an Internet search than an attempt to articulate despair from within. When he says that suicide wasn’t even a serious thought, when Maureen compares it to queue jumping. I am fed up with the way suicide is referred to in this way, how people constantly mention it in off hand ways, how a friend called her dog suicidal because it ran out of the house onto a road, how people can get away posting videos like this, how everyone jokes about it. Its not funny, its not an easy decision you try it when you have nothing else left to try, when its the only positive thing you have left to do.

That  on a poster advertising counselling that said “need someone to talk to?” someone wrote “go kill yourself” that this poster has stayed up on the common room notice board for six months, that no one mentioned it, that someone thought it was funny to write this. Every time I see or hear things like this I want to scream that its not funny, that its such a difficult decision to take, that you will always remember the taste and smell of paracetamol in your mouth and that if you fail you have to see your friends and family trying to understand what you did, that whenever your little sister comes home from school she will look around the house for you just in case she finds a slumped body and needs to call an ambulance. I am not writing this as one of those preachy people who tell people not to kill themselves, and hope I have not come cross as one of them. I am really writing this because I am so fucking fed up with how the whole topic is treated, that when I typed suicide into youtube instead of finding a video from someone like the samaritans I found the one in the link above.

Last line…

Not a very creative post today, not really an anything post today, just a rant. I am very busy writing a draft post for later this week that is taking up a lot of time but I am enjoying. On that note can people tell me what there favourite songs are and who the are by, answers on a postcard or comments bellow, and no I am not being strange its all to do with the post that I am writing.

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Tags: advert, books, death, Health, mental health, positive, suicide, youtube