A tear + a cut + a lie +a counselling session + a new start + a fresh year + a new crisis + a new perspective of life + a cry for help + a GP visit + a referral to CAMHS+ a new social worker + a diagnosis of depression + a prescription for prozac + a psychiatrist + a box of citalopram + a self discharge from CAMHS + a overdose + a packet of sertraline + a mania + a loss of funds + a grandiose thought + a packet of olanzapine + a packet of pills down the loo + a fresh start + a tear + a subject dropped + a trial of lithium + a month being sick + a set of poor grades + a year of indecision + ending of sixthform +a decision of carbamazepine +a restart of sixthform + a university offer accepted + a suicide planned + a friendship destroyed + a overdose+ a fortnight in hospital + a benzo + a diagnosis of bipolar + a CPN + a prescription of mirtazapine + a longer stay in hospital + a fresh start + a crisis week + a lack of coursework + a sleep disorder + a melatonin + a set of exams + a few exams missed + a month in bed
= a year of failure, disappointment and dread. And you know the thing I hate the most; the time I have described, my sixth form career, was filled with indecision about university. By the time I worked out what I wanted it was too late, it is too late, my chance for Manchester has been and gone. Where did it all go wrong? Which part in my sum gave me the wrong answer, why can’t I do maths? I know its was down to me; but at which point did I make the wrong choice, a rash decision, a roll the dice and go back to zero. Was it my self discharge for a month, was it my lack of hope, was it my lack of commitment to medication? What is it about me that makes things go wrong? Whats wrong with me?
Last line…
Sorry for the lack of words, I am feeling slow, I am slow, I am losing hours of time doing nothing. A glance at the window quickly eats up an hour, and a ten minute walk to the bus stop takes ten times longer. My speech is drawn out, my thoughts are drying up, everything has become monotonous, just an existence. I am a living corpse . There seems no way to describe all this unfulfilled potential but in a sum. I cannot think of the words to pad this out, to help you understand. I cannot feel the words, I cannot add description, only facts no embellishment. I am ready to go, just ready to sleep, sleep and sleep and sleep.
9 Comments
June 30, 2008 at 10:37 am
I’m hopeless with words. Just know I’m thinking of you and am here to talk whenever. Take care x
June 30, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Not a waste of a year at all. To come through all that alive is an incredible achievement and you should be proud of yourself for surviving it. I know my words are probably not much comfort at the moment. You are not a failure you are a survivor. Stay string you will get it, you will achieve your goals, even if they take longer than you hoped. Stay strong. Thinking of you. Take care Kx
June 30, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Ok I am not brilliant for offering up words atm.I just want to say to you that you cannot help the way things have panned out, you have an illness that drains the life soul out of many !!! Do not be too hard on yourself (yep I come out with some awful cliches too – sorry).
Take care
Love
Sis xx
June 30, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I realise we’ve not met (er, presumably) but I feel sad for you now like a friend; so, friend, I’m here and I’m thinking of you and I really really want you to be OK. As OK as you can be, and I think that’s all anyone can be. Right?
(((((Hannah)))))
Suzy xxxxx
June 30, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Hi, I made the biggest f*** up of my A levels and (eventually) got into a great uni – it just took a little longer than expected. When you’ve been through a year like yours, getting into Uni isn’t going to be as big a hurdle as you think at the moment, you just need to give yourself some time 1st (sorry about the cliché)
June 30, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Not much help, I know, but that was a really beautiful post…and sounds familiar.
July 1, 2008 at 12:35 am
You did a lovely job of describing your feelings, which is what this whole blogging thing is about. Now chin up, think about what you do have not what you don’t have.
You’ve got some great friends who care an awful lot about you.
You’ve still got your health. (just not your mental health, but you’re working on that one)
You’ve got your family who loves you.
And you’ve always got next year to get into university.
Now smile or so help me I’ll come smack you.
July 1, 2008 at 11:07 am
Thanks everyone I am trying to keep positive and not to think to much nd if that includes washing all comprahensible thought out of my head with a great big bottle of malabu so be it. Hannah X
July 1, 2008 at 10:20 pm
I know this is now somewhat late, but I hope things get better. xxx