I ration tears, quota smiles, restrict words. Limitations and measures are important to me; everything has to be restricted to limit the overpowering emotions I have been feeling. Everyday I want to cry, and when ever I am by myself my eyes start to water. I close my eyes I count to ten, then twenty, then one hundred. I worry that when I start to cry I will not stop, I know it wont be little quiet tears but load sobs with water gushing down my face for hours, I feel unable to move but craw along the floor and into bed unable to stop myself. There I must lie until I fall asleep, it is such an energy draining process. This is something me and my social worker debated on Friday; she wants me to cry more and let things out, I want to cry less as Hannah does not do tears.
I don’t just ration tears because I am scared of the emotion that engulfs me, since I was very young I have limited the amount of emotion I show. It all started with the idea that if you smile and laugh everyday how will people know which day is your happiest yet, how can you make a distinction between average days and exceedingly good days. People used to tell me to smile more as it makes the world a happier place and brightens up a room but I used to answer that I smile for myself and not for the joy of other people. Since then this rule had been applied to most areas of my life. If you cry all the time and t everything people will stop comforting you, if you are seen to be crying over spilt milk people will view you as weak. I want to be thought of as a strong person, someone who never cries. Someone like my father who I have never seen cry, due to this I cannot cry in front of other people.
The theory goes that if I tell everyone all the time that today is a bad day and I do it everyday how can you distinguish which days are worse from the others. Then when you are left having such a bad day that you cannot cope by yourself how can they tell this bad day is any worse than the day before, I suppose it s like the boy who cried wolf analogy. If every time I saw my psychiatrist I said that I have thought about suicide, it would get very dull for both sides, the information would be as worthless to him as if I had reported that my fingerprint was the same or that my eves were still green. However, if I only tell him when I need or want extra help then it’s a useful piece of information. While I may have had thought that I would like to die, I am not at risk so there is little point in telling anyone, but the trick is telling someone at the right time; before you are so serious that you cannot tell anyone because you do not want to be stopped but after it is just fleeting thoughts. This might be a risky strategy it might go desperately wrong but you cannot blame anyone else but yourself as you are responsible for the decisions you make. I suppose I know that if I ever do kill myself it will be the only choice i have left, suicide is never your plan A, it’s the plan X that you take when everything else has been tried, “People with depression don’t kill themselves to frighten an errant boyfriend. They kill themselves because it is the obvious and right thing to do at that point. It is the only positive step they can think of.”- Dr Kay McKallan writing in the British Medical Journal. Unlike usual I have become sidetracked, really suicide deserves a whole post of its own.
Last line…
I have my dress at last, and my leavers ball is on Monday evening so that’s a weight off my mind. I hope I look formal enough though s most of my friends have full length dresses and we are going full out (a rather naff streached limo, but I have never been in one before so it will be an experience) with a pre and post party.
10 Comments
June 29, 2008 at 1:59 pm
“the trick is telling someone at the right time; before you are so serious that you cannot tell anyone because you do not want to be stopped but after it is just fleeting thoughts”
How very very true, I was struggling with that question this morning. Thank you for putting it into words.
June 29, 2008 at 2:21 pm
I can relate I tend to all my crying when I am alone, it’s so much easier… only one I start I can’t stop!
Enjoy the ball on Monday evening!
June 29, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Chouette- thats the strange thing about crisis plans, it kind of assumes that when things do get bad enough to warrant help you actually want it and are willing to tell them what you are planning
Alison- there is something so much easier about crying by yourself, i wander what it actually is.
June 29, 2008 at 10:42 pm
I can sympathize with you on the crying alone thing. It’s so much easier and tidier than having to explain yourself to someone else. And I definitely get what you mean about trying to ration tears – though it seldom works for me. Once I start I have one helluva time stopping. Maybe it’s a girl thing? Maybe it’s a depression/bipolar thing? Hard to say.
Hoping you didn’t write this because you’ve had cause to do a lot of crying lately!
June 30, 2008 at 12:49 am
Is the title of your post an amy winehouse song? Tears how I hte them, if its not the blotchy face and spoilt makup its the unwanted attention.
June 30, 2008 at 12:52 am
Titaniumrose- Not been crying that much, wanting to butI have these crazy eyelash extensions glued on for the ball that you cant get wet so I wrote the post to try and distract myself from crying
CAMHS=hate- yes it is on of her songs, I was listening to it in the car on the way to wales and decided to give this post the same name.
June 30, 2008 at 9:15 am
I’ve had problems being able to cry at times which I know is down to the meds.Other times I’ve howled so much I’ve been all cried out.I know what you mean about the feeling of ‘crying wolf’.But agree choosing the right moment to speak up is a hard thing.I get a lot of fleeting thoughts that bother me & I think if I told my Shrink/ASW every time I had them, am sure would have been sectioned by now or even heavily medded (hmm that’s not a real word is it ?).The real indicator for my ASW/Shrink is the severity of my fleeting thoughts & whether they are more persistant & obsessive.
I hope you have a great time at the leavers ball.
Take care
Sis xxx
June 30, 2008 at 9:23 am
Eyelash extensions? Mehehehehe! I have my prom this week too and I am dreading it… fortunately Danny is too, so that’s OK. Good luck with them not falling off!
Suzy x
June 30, 2008 at 9:39 am
Suzy- you have no idea what i pain they are, I have them on the edge of my eyes so i look like a cat and you cant see propperly or sleep incase they get crushed. My sister thought it would be cool so booked for me to have it done which is pretty sweet, but boy are they high maintenance, Have you got a dress yet?
Seratonin- I know what you mean about being medded out, it seems in hospital they give you anything to keep you quiet and if that means making you so numb that you cannot feel emotion so be it.
June 30, 2008 at 9:50 am
I rarely cry. Recently I’ve needed to and needed to but I can’t do it. I’m on the edge of them and have all this emotion but there’s something stopping it come out and it hurts, it really does. I’m thinking it’s more the years of blocking people out than anything else, but now I really need to let go.
Keep safe and have a good prom x