Apology

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CAMHS you aint that bad, you never supply me with medication to make me fat, never make me miss exams while in hospital, never greet me with evils when I turn up to appointments, never treat me like a child and you never make me doubt myself.  So in return I am going to slag you off, categorically going through every service you provide and pick faults in it, I will then publish it for everyone else to see, and people know which trust you are if you read the blog carefully. And to say thank you for that wonderful service you provide I have taken some womans poem to give to you. Ok I have just read the poem I have copied and pasted, I dislike the self harm reference and think that really it sounds to heartfelt, but yeah CAMHS I am kind of maybe just a little bit sorry. 

How do I tell you I’m sorry -
With a gesture, a look, a touch?
How is it I never realized
I hurt you so very much?

I do not ask forgiveness,
A comfort I’ll never deserve.
I merely want to let you know,
But I cannot find the nerve.

To finally confront you, face-to-face,
To look you in the eye,
To face your wrath, your apathy -
Too terrified to try.

You called me selfish, I turned away,
I festered and I fled;
Cutting and wounding and lashing out,
Just to see if you bled.

Betraying and deceiving you,
I surely had no right
To snatch away such a precious gem;
A dark thief in the night.

Four years and forever passed
To bring us to this day,
When I present these simple words
I never thought to say.

The time has come, it’s long past due,
To put aside my fear;
Would this confession torture you,
Or have you longed to hear?

To hear those two forbidden words,
To vanquish all the pain,
To understand my dearest wish:
To know you once again.

The years aged me remarkably,
Though they have not made me wise;
I do know I erred irrevocably -
For that I apologize.

Last line…

The CAMHS clinic I go to is good, it’s well respected, I get high quality support and when I need extra support I can be pretty confident that they will try to do something, and my psychiatrist is great, it’s the other members of staff  I am not to keen on. However I am bitter because while under their care I went from a straightforward 8-10 sessions of CBT kind of client to one who has spent over a month in hospital, sees a psychiatrist twice a month and a social worker once a week at the local CAMHS clinic and my CPN twice a week at home kind of service user. Something somewhere went very wrong to create such a change to the proposed treatment plan. Maybe it was me; my subsequent mania from antidepressants changed my diagnosis from sad possibly depressed teen to child bipolar. Ok mania didn’t chop years of my age, I didn’t become a child but I don’t like my diagnosis so the more bad things I can connect to it the better. And my risky behaviour meant that the almost risk averse CAMHS had to increase levels of support and medication in case they had to provide evidence at the coroners court. However I am going to put all the blame on CAMHS because surely it couldn’t be me.

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Tags: apology, bipolar, CAMHS, CBT, CPN, exams, fat, faults, Health, manic depression, medication, poem, self harm, service user, sorry, therapy