Today I cannot explain how I feel, a great start for my blog. I have spent the last hour or so contemplating pasting my about page into this post as it took so long to write. This seems a little like cheating so I wont, somehow while creating this blog I had bags of energy and now I am back to the same old, the same old existance. The wake up, think about getting up, look at the wall, think about how awful I am, go back to bed. I hope this gets somewhat easier to write as I gain more practice as this is damn hard but then most things are damn hard at the moment.
So why did I start this blog? I am clearly not all that good with words so why am I writing? Well the short answer is that my CPN suggested it; I imagine that the long answer will become clear once I post more. She said it might help me find “acceptance within myself of my illness”, but really I don’t want to find acceptance I just want it to go away. You see, everyone seems so keen for me to love my diagnosis; no one seems to agree with me that it might not fit. I just feel that I am too young for the diagnosis of bipolar and it’s just easier to pump me up with drugs than to actually listen to me. So to them I am a depressed manic depressive who is in denial and to me I am depressed, a depressed depressive.
Well where did it all start? I am not sure of the answer to all this. I remember feeling sad, incredibly sad. Loosing interest in school and other people, spending hours staring at the ceiling of my room hoping for sleep but sleep not coming. But when does sadness become depression? School quickly noticed this and suggested a referal to a psychotherapist who in turn referred my to CAMHS and after a few uneventful therapy sessions I was put on sertraline and quickly became manic. I dabbled with drugs, believed I could change the weather by what I wore, and withdrew money out of the cashpoint but left it in the slot so the person after me would get free money. It all felt like harmless fun but quickly turned into something that was deeply disturbing. I became convinced that people were stealing my thoughts, that they were all devils from hell and that it was my job from God to save them all, I am an atheist. When I turned up for an appointment with my psychiatrist covered in silver foil they suggested medication to “something your mood down a bit”, I didn’t take the new medication. Well to cut a long story short a few months later I tried to kill myself and ended up in the local mental health unit,for two weeks once discharged I attempted again resulting in another stay in hospital but for longer.
Last Line…
So that is me, a depressed depressive with a coloured mind and some very scattered thoughts.
9 Comments
June 8, 2008 at 8:50 pm
I just stumbled upon your blog and I am glad I did. I wish you well with your journaling and I do encourage you to really reach within and get your thoughts and feelings out. Over time I have found journaling to be a great help to me. I was able to learn so much about myself by honestly writing about thoughts and feelings. Please keep it up.
I can’t really comment on your diagnosis etc. but I do know it has helped me come to accept mine, one I had a huge problem accepting.
I wish you well my friend
Bill
June 8, 2008 at 8:54 pm
One day at a time…
June 9, 2008 at 1:23 am
It’s a tough burden to bear this bipolar thing. My advice to you is to learn everything you can about the disease so that you can really know if it’s yours or not. You won’t know if you’re fighting the right battle if you don’t know for sure what you’re fighting. I would also encourage you to keep writing, every day, twice a day if you need to. Getting your thoughts and feelings out of your head helps you to examine them and see them for what they truly are. It’s like another form of therapy that you can do for yourself, whenever you need to. Hang in there.
June 9, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Jewells here. So what is the diagnosis you found out at the hospital. As you know thought of suicide went through my mind when I was deep in depression and drinking too much because of the depression. And of course, the bipolar thing. Why didn’t you take the medicine? How do we know we are taking the right medicine. The doctors don’t everything. They just want to write prescription and say “There, you will be find. If you have any problems give me a call.” I guess so he can give you another prescription. Yuck!
June 9, 2008 at 9:48 pm
wow, people reading and commenting on something I have written. Thanks for the advice guys.
Jewells- my diagnosis was bipolar affective disorder type 1, I didnt take the medication because I thought what he was saying was a load of shit, and the medication he was offering is notoriousfor weght gain and I have had “weight issues”. I know what you are saying about doctors but I trust mine quite alot because here in the UK we do not have to pay anything for health care as it all comes from taxes
June 10, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Looking forward to seeing this blog develop.
June 14, 2008 at 7:41 am
I just recently started writing my blog, for different reason than yours, but I think for the same kinda feedback. To be understood. I have a good friend who’s son has bipolar. He was very young when first diagnosed and it was over looked for years because of his age. He’s about 15 now and making good progress.
I’m gonna keep calling back just to see how you’re fairing up.
Take care my blog buddy!
)
June 19, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I am finally finding the effort to read your post and catch up proper, it’s a good blog and you are a good writer! Keep up the good work, I find writing even if sometimes what I write makes little or no sense helps me somewhat!
I linked your blog to mine, I hope you don’t mind!
November 29, 2008 at 1:04 am
[...] depression, Health, manchester, mental health, past, stats, university On the 8th of June I started this blog. In nine days time I will have written for six months. On the 8th of June I didn’t think I [...]